Yes?
I had made a sort of resolution to myself last month. No more YouTube, no more TV, no more wasting time and eating junk food. No, I was going to take control of my life. Be a better person, write daily, pray more and eat healthily. But, like always, life had other plans for me.
You see I'm the most indecisive person on this planet, maybe this universe. I can never decide what exactly I have to do, ever. Even if I do decide something, I'm never quite sure about it or I never manage to stick to it for a long time.
Imagine this. You wake up in the morning bright and early, ready to start a new day. You have already planned everything; you get ready on time and leave exactly as your pick up arrives. But for me, no-no. That would be easy. First off, I can't even decide when I have to wake up. Do I get up early or late? What if the car arrives early today? What if it comes late? If it comes early should I skip breakfast? If it comes late and I'm ready to go, should I wait outside and dawdle? And by the time I have gone through all these things in my head, the alarm rings and makes my decision for me.
And just like that, throughout the day, I spend hours and hours thinking about my next move. How much time should I spend in the bathroom? How many rotis are enough for breakfast? Who should I sit beside in the car? Should I talk to anyone? What should I do with myself if I am free? And on and on.
I literally cannot take a single stupid decision in my life. People think I'm so confident, that I always do the right things, but they do not know how much effort it has taken me to come to one decision. Confidence is just a facade to hide my nervousness.
I always admire other people, normal people, who don't think ten times about each and everything. I argue with myself so much, deciding the pros and cons of each side that I would probably make the best lawyer ever. But that means that I would make the worst judge ever because I would never be able to decide which is right.
And the most infuriating part of my whole process of decision making is that most of the time I turn out to be wrong. If I have spent so much time analyzing and examining each angle of the case, I deserve to at least come to the right decision. But no, I turn out to be even more pathetic and completely in the wrong. My friends always used to tease me that I'm not very smart because I end up doing or saying the wrong thing, but what they don't know is that I'm too smart and have to overthink effing everything. I can almost feel the stares of people, thinking in their minds, HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID?
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